The Phenomenon of Parents Vicariously Living Through Their Children

The psychological explanation of why parents do it and how it destroys their relationship with their child

The idea of this article came to me when watching ''Dance Moms” (lol). For the longest time this show has been my guilty pleasure, and I’ve only ever thought of it as pure entertainment, forgetting that this is the reality of not just the girls on this show but many children with controlling parents. The mothers of the young dancers are extremely involved in the lives of their children, hovering over their kids and not allowing them to make their own decisions. They also take pride in their children's successes and often take credit for them, as if they were their own. As each episode passes by I notice the girls’ passion for dance fade away, simultaneously, their moms’ aggression and impatience grows.

This article uncovers the factors that often push parents to behave this way..

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“I want you to become better than I am" is a phrase commonly heard from parents to their children. Who wouldn't want their child to be healthier, happier, and more successful? However, there is a significant difference between wanting a child to reach their full potential and using them to fulfil broken dreams. Study results show that parents can feel pride in their children’s achievements and even heal old wounds. The process of living vicariously through a child, however, when taken to an extreme, can be harmful to both the child and the parent.

Over-Parenting 

A parent's main goal is to be as involved as possible in all aspects of their child's life. Although research has shown that engaged parenting helps children develop their cognitive and emotional skills, too much parental guidance can be detrimental. Oftentimes, parents lead their children down a path they wish they had taken at their age, whether it is to steer them away from what is wrong or to push them out of their comfort zone. This may discourage children from making their own decisions and may hinder their problem-solving skills and social and personality development. 

Finding a sense of identity is a challenge for people of all ages, nonetheless, it is especially challenging for children. It is common for them to idolize and mimic their parents, as they grow up they become more individualized, since they are creating their own identities and are learning their likes, dislikes, and habits. Overparenting behavior was alleged to be related to negative traits like regret, anxiety, and narcissism, parents who overly involve themselves in their child's life, condition them to become too reliant on others. As a result, they are more likely to struggle with self-discovery as they have always been overprotected and overindulged by parents who live vicariously through them.

Broken Dreams

Psychology theorists such as Sigmund Freud, have noted for as long as their field has existed, that parents can sometimes be prone to passing on their own unfulfilled ambitions to their children. Freud has stated that many parents feel that “the child shall fulfil those wishful dreams … which they never carried out”. 

Surprisingly, these theories have never been tested until 2013, by Eddie Brummeleman, a psychology student at Utrecht University. He and his colleagues surveyed 73 parents of 8 to 15-year-olds. Results proved these theories as they showed that when parents began reflecting on their own abandoned or failed dreams and aspirations, they hoped that their child could meet those dreams. The more they thought of their child as an extension of themselves, the more strongly they wanted the child to achieve fulfil those ambitions they themselves couldn't accomplish.

Although Brummelman has not explicitly said whether pushing kids to fulfil their parents’ ambitions is harmful or not, vicarious living through a child can be exploitative. Parents may aggressively force a child into a particular role, overlooking their needs and feelings. In an attempt to get their children to excel at certain activities, some parents even become physically or emotionally abusive.

This is often the case when it comes to parenting young athletes. Although pushing a child to excel at a particular skill can boost their self-esteem and determination, which in turn helps their sports performance and their everyday lives, it has been proven that the pressure of being a child athlete plays a psychological and a physical toll on a person. Not only can practicing too intensively lead to lifelong health problems, but it can also lead to burnout, causing the child to quit sports altogether.

Narcissistic Parenting 

Superiority is one of the main characteristics of situational narcissists. Narcissistic parents compete through their children. Extreme narcissism and superiority are rooted in the winner-loser dynamic; parents are overly invested in their child's success to ensure that their abilities and accomplishments are deemed superior to other people's.

They often see themselves in their children, seeing their flaws in their child might be devastating to their ego, especially when they have tried to conceal their inferiority and failure by living vicariously through them. Narcissistic parenting is bred by the need to cover up one's shame and disappointments about their own life, this comes at the expense of their child. It may be distressing as it puts persistent pressure on the child to compare themselves to their parents and makes them question whether they are capable of living up to their expectations. 

Children with narcissistic parents often associate their self-worth with what they have achieved in life. They desperately want their parents' approval as they are groomed not to see their parents' behaviour as wrong and are completely unaware that they are being used and manipulated. This manipulation can take the form of sharp criticism or high praise.

Narcissistic parents desire perfection in everything and love to be portrayed as the most collected, organized, and achievement-oriented individuals. Such parents tend to see their children as prized possessions and pressure them to excel at everything because it, in turn, makes them look good.

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Vicariously living through a child can have a more negative effect than a positive one on the relationship between a child and their parent. The line between being supportive and being obsessed with a child’s accomplishments may be blurry for most parents. It is prominent to guide a child through their journey of life and encourage them to step out of their comfort zone and pursue their own interests. However, seeing a child’s behavior and decisions as a reflection of one’s own worth and controlling how they think and feel, is harmful to both the parent and the child.

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References

https://books.google.ae/books?id=wZDjjhOdhAQC&lpg=PA75&ots=Nr6eVkMZEk&dq=writing%20to%20discuss%2C%20argue%20and%2For%20persuade%20english%20coursework%20mark%20scheme&pg=PA90#v=onepage&q&f=falsehttps://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dream-deferred-are-you-living-vicariously-through-your-child-0306197
https://www.businessinsider.com/parents-use-kids-to-fulfill-broken-dreams-2013-6
https://indianexpress.com/article/parenting/blog/parental-guidance-are-you-guilty-of-over-parenting-6722138/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent
https://momitforward.com/5-reasons-let-children-make-their-own-decisions/